We see this phenomenon all the time, especially recently with all the mess in the world. So many people align themselves with some verifiably evil people just so they too can “benefit” from the power. Or they’ll bend over before the seemingly stronger force just so their calm doesn’t get upset. But what do they gain? Well, my dear reader, keep reading and you’ll find out. (muhahaha, clickbait >:3)

Let’s start with the first, “Submission doesn’t grant peace”. Imagine, actually, you don’t even have to imagine. You just need to look at present day world in which we already have one “underdog” turned into an unexpected sword and shield of liberty, fiercely resisting the perceived might of a paper bear. But what do we hear from so many people?

“It’s their fault.”

“Why should we care?”

“Make them stop so we can go back to normal.”

No, no, NO! ABSO-FUCKING-LUTE NO!! None of this is helpful and none of this brings the peace you oh so much desire. Why? Because you only need to show the abuser one weakness for it to be exploited. One soft spot in your mind and suddenly you’re on a leash (and not in the pleasant and playful way in case this is your thing). Now tell me, how is this peaceful? How much freedom do you think you have, knowing the “owner” can pull that leash any time they please? And you can do nothing about it because “I must not upset the master.” Now tell me, do you feel at peace? Do you smell how peaceful it is? Can you taste all this delicious peace? No, no you can’t. But I bet you can taste plenty of fear. And to quote a character who’s pretty ubiquitous in popular culture:

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

And you already have plenty of fear so the path to anger is wide open. Anger at yourself for being so foolish. And you’re reminded of this every day, every minute of your life. And such reminders are a rich soil for hate to grow from. Hate aimed at yourself for being a useful idiot. But you don’t want to live with it because no-one wants to steep in hate. So you project it outwards. But all you do is cause suffering; to yourself and everyone around. Now tell me, do you live in peace?

Was aligning with the villain worth it? Because, my dear reader, I’m not finished. Because maybe you share some thought with your evil idol and them being in a position of power validates your view. You grow bold, ready to commit more to “the cause”. But how long until you have to go against the very thing you claim to protect? Will you act? Are you willing to go against your friends? Your family? Would you harm your own children to “please the authority”?

In a the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” from V. E. Frankl, the author describes his own experience of surviving a Nazi concentration camp. One of these includes description of fellow prisoners that decided to align themselves with the guards and warden in the prospect of “better treatment”. How did it go, you ask? Well, they did get what they asked for, a priority seat into the gas. But why? They served their masters so well. Exactly, but here’s a thing you may not be noticing. They’ve taken upon themselves the responsibility of the wardens. And when something went wrong, the warden at fail had an easy scapegoat. I could sum this up in a pipeline like this:

Useful idiot –> Used-up idiot –> Expired idiot

Getting into the first step is surprisingly easy. The other inevitably come on their own and there’s nothing one can do about it once in the line. So no, you’re not getting power you’re being promised. You merely become a tool, an extension of the power one above you already wields. And once you serve your purpose, you’re cast aside, left to fate worse than those you harmed for your greed.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

I’m sure the title is already raising questions in your head and rightfully so. What do you mean, cannot exist? Well, I could come up with at least two interpretations.

Absolute freedom cannot be allowed to/ must not exist.

Or

It is impossible for absolute freedom to exist.

Two quite different wordings and yet they’ll reach similar explanation or goal. How? Let’s follow the train of thought.

For the sake of familiarity, let’s pick an example that’s been in the public circles so much in late years and it’s been dragged to so much mud and dirt that it’d barely recognise itself in the mirror, freedom of speech. What is it? In the era of social media it’s often touted as the freedom to say whatever you want. And at its face value, one would be correct. It’s indeed the right to say whatever you want without the fear of reprisal. Or is it? Because there’s a lot more to it.

From a legal and often constitutional standpoint, freedom of speech is often defined as the right to be critical towards your governmental representatives without the fear of prosecution. This ranges from being able to call your representatives a rotting sack of diarrhea to journalists being able to reporting on them in not-so-great light if something bad is revealed. Of course, there are rules and boundaries to observe. Laws regarding slander exist for a reason as well as laws defining an act of threat, neither of which are protected by mentioned freedom because at this moment a boundary is being crossed.

So why do some “protest” that their rights are being suppressed? Because it’s not about the freedom at all. It’s about the desire for unaccountability. They already have the freedom to say anything they want. But they don’t want to be prosecuted for it. But imagine if they had to live in such world; a world in which freedom of speech is absolute. In this world, they could be threatened on hourly basis and there would be nobody to protect them. No judicary would be able to enforce the rules because the moment they’d try, the freedom would cease to be absolute unless the words would be acted upon. But how would you know the words wouldn’t turn into action? Exactly, you wouldn’t be able to tell. And at this point you’re living in constant fear. How is that free?

Terrified? Now imagine this idea expanded to freedom in general. Imagine a world in which you can do absolutely anything. One could drive through a quiet neighbourhood at maximum speed, threatening lives of everyone outside and nothing could be done. One could get beaten up over a petty disagreement. One could get murdered just because someone wanted to display their superiority. See where I’m going? The amount of freedom is overwhelming, isn’t it? Except there’s very little freedom.

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the paradox of tolerance. Well, similar can be said about absolute freedom:

Absolute freedom cannot exist because it allows for one’s freedom to be restricted or taken away, therefore rendering it not absolute.

Now, try to apply this “conclusion” to the wordings above. Does it make sense? I’m sure it does for the second one because it kind of hits you in the face but what about the first one? Well, read the previous paragraph which describes what happens if you allow absolute freedom to exist.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

Alright, let’s start soft with the known ground. As mentioned at the start, the quote “Don’t let the perfect become the enemy of good.” You probably heard it most often when practicing anything, be it sport or art. It’s used as a form of motivation and to teach managing your expectations. It’s quite easy to get lost in wanting to achieve some high goal and chase it relentlessly. And what will this lead to? You guessed it; burnout, demotivation and you’ll either give up or keep pushing until your body gives up. And it may give up in such a way that the perfection you seek can’t be achieved anymore. And then what?

Well, here’s the thing. Perfection is subjective. What you call perfection is nothing else but a goal you set for yourself. A milestone in your life on the way of being human. And it’s a goal that applies to you and only to you. So why seek perfection that’s not yours? Sounds familiar? Maybe it reminds you of a different concept. Remember the “Comparison is a thief of joy?” quote? This is pretty much the same idea. By comparing yourself to someone else, you’re fueling the idea that there’s something perfect you’re supposed to achieve. But here’s the catch; it’s not your perfection. It’s perfection of someone else you’re trying to mimic. And by doing so, you’re eroding your own identity, becoming the “one of many”. “But I’ll be perfect!”, you counter. No, you won’t be. How can you be perfect when you have nothing to compare yourself to? You have no reference, no measure. The perfection becomes meaningless and hollow. Besides, what if that perfect means that you can’t do something that brings you joy? Is that what you want? Sure, you’re perfect, but you traded your soul for it. You’ve become an empty being. You’re perfect but are you good?

Chilling idea, isn’t it? Let’s go even further and ask yourself this. What kind of people is obsessed with perfection? Especially those who seek the “perfect human”? And what lengths have these people been willing to go reach their “objective” goal fueled by subjective feeling? Look no further than to these days. Or if you want to, modern history. Look at periods and places which were marked by seeking perfection instead of reaching out in cooperation. Look at the price that paid for such endeavours and to what goal? Destruction, erasure, suffering. It wasn’t perfect and it was horrendously evil.

There you have it. Don’t ever let the search for perfection overshadow the desire to be good because perfect IS the enemy of good.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

Those of us who happened to be born with male brain and body (whether you stick to it later down the line or decide to change it up is of course up to you ;) were most likely introduced to the good old “Boys don’t cry” trope. Yes, we’re suppposed to be these “strong and stoic” masses of meat and bones, ready to snap someone in half. Now let’s be honest, does this sound like a man to you? I see more of an ape. A chest-pounding gorilla, showing of their “qualities”. But here’s a thing, we’re not apes, we’re humans (or any other being with sapient level of intelligence). We’ve kind of evolved past just our instincts. There’s a reason our brains are so massive compared to other mammals; to have the capacity to process our psyche. It’s something we pride ourselves so much for. So … why do we praise those who reject all this? Why do we consider having emotions for weakness? Well, many people don’t. And they’re not weak. Why? Because they’re not afraid to confront their fears. They’re not afraid to see the raw and “uncivilised” representation of themselves and try and reason with it and understand why. But as I tend to say, facing yourself is scary. In fact, it’s the most terrifying thing to do, to admit to yourself that you’re not perfect.

Ok, Rawi, you’re ranting but what does it have to do with the thing in the title? My dear reader, let me introduce you to one of my favourite movies; Equillibrium with Christian Bale playing the titular character. In the movie, humanity is recovering from WW3 and found the culprit of their issues. And guess what it was; human emotion. So humanity developed a drug that forcibly suppresses emotions. What was the result? Well, would you like to live in a city that looks like a fortress? Bleak, grey, sterile? Imagine 50 shades of grey … except literally and not in the kinky sense. It’s a world which makes life in a concentration camp look enjoyable. Horrid analogy, I know, but look at the world there. There’s no art, no poetry, no colours, nothing. Even machines have more soul than the human beings there. Is this the world you want? Depressing and sterile? Reduced to nothing more than slavery veiled by some abstract greater good and fake sense of superiority? Imagine you could feel sorry for someone. Or worse, genuinely love someone. The idea that words “I love you” are nothing more than an empty phrase. That’s exactly the world of Libria in the movie. And this is the reality of those who reject their emotions as weakness.

One could say that there are philosophies or religions that consider emotions a flow. My dear reader, can you point me to one and tell me which part of the “code” says so? And if there is such part, doesn’t it specify something more? As in, you know, not letting yourself being controlled by emotions so you don’t just act without reason? Because do I have one more movie analogy for you. And it’s none other than the Jedi order from Star Wars. Specifically, look at the prequels and better yet the animated series of Clone Wars. How those who even slightly defied the “no attachment” rule were being looked at. How those who deviated from the doctrine were not acknowledged enough. And we all know how it ended up; the very thing that was supposed to “keep them from temptation” became the tool of their destruction, manifesting in one person. “So, the Sith are the good guys, you say?” No, not at all. Sith exploit emotions for their gain. They too reject empathy as weakness but instead of shunning every emotions as a flaw they instead turn them into a tool of destruction and to recklessly pursue their own interests. Sounds familiar? Channeling hatred, stirring up rage, … They know what emotions are. They just choose some of them. But you can’t select emotions. You either accept all or you don’t accept any.

A little absolute at the end, don’t you think? But it’s indeed correct. We have all the emotions; the “good” and the “bad” (quotes on purpose because there’s no such thing as good and bad emotions). And it’s up to us to understand them and control how we use and fuel them. Example, uncontrolled anger is dangerous to everyone. Righteous anger however, can be tamed and turned into motivation. Just be careful your spite doesn’t consume you. Same goes the “opposite” way. Naive positivity is harmful because it makes you apathetic. But being able to hold onto joy even in hard time is what gives you the reason to walk forward even if your feet already hurt. See? emotions are healthy and they’re what makes us powerful when used right. So don’t reject them. Embrace them instead. Understand them, all of them.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

First, let’s repeat the mantra from the mentioned episode:

Comparison is a thief of joy. Inspiration on the other hand is the well of ideas.

Back then I was trying to show its idea ties to your personal growth and how to switch your mindset so the act of comparison can boost you instead of hamper you. This time I’ll be focusing more on the first part of the mantra and how that affects you. Yes, I’m now realising that I should’ve probably switched these episodes around but oh well, blame my brain being about as organised as my room, so not at all.

To build up a bit of connection, a little personal story. Back in my high school days, specifically towards the end, I got the chance to get more involved in sports to a point where I could pursue a professional carrer. I got the resources, the strict schedule (believe me, combining that and school while still having some time left for fun was insane) and of course a really good coach. During one of the more theoretical lessons I was getting the coach was talking about mindsets and how to prevent falling into a downward spiral. Something really relatable to me because I used to be an embodiment of the “your’re your own worst critic” type of person. And one of the key ideas from that lesson was “Do not compare yourself to others.”

But Rawen, how do I know I’m doing well? My dear reader, you have the best measure at your disposal, yourself. Staying in sports, the thing I do on the side as a hobby is bouldering. And sure, I track my stats but I can see that I’m getting consistently better even without that. How? By slowly but surely getting more confident. By instead of approaching challenges with “No way I’m that good”, my inner self tells me “Could I at least try now?” And yes, sometimes I look like cloth flailing in the wind but the important thing is that I’m getting better. I’m fulfilling a goal MY mind set up.

And HERE is the key. It was my goal. My standard. Why is that so important? Because if I were to compare myself to someone else, I’d be abandoning that measure and replacing it with someone else’s. Suddenly, I’m not trying to achieve my goal, I’m trying to achieve someone else’s goal. I’m trying to match someone else’s image which most likely doesn’t even exist. The thought “I want to be like XYZ” is frankly an extremely dangerous mindset and an absolute kick in the teeth to your confidence. By saying that to yourself, you’re basically saying “I refuse to be me.”

Are you starting to see how dangerous that is? What if I told you it can be even worse? What if your idol knows? What if they decide to use that knowledge for malicious reasons? Manipulation, grooming, or even worse things. Sounds utterly terrifying doesn’t it? And all because you told yourself this. Seemingly innocent sequence of words and yet it effectively broke all the links to who you are, replacing your self-image with someone different, someone alien. All this is even more potent with the present era of social spaces. You see glimpses of everyone’s lives, all the highlights. But what’s behind them? What is the true story? How much effort is being put into creating the “personal brand”? Does it sound revolting and dehumanising?

So, when I say “compare yourself only to your previous self”, what I mean is to stay true to who you are. Sure, others can be inspiring and learning to accept influence properly is beneifical to learning and growing as a person. But all that must still be subject to YOUR judgement and your values. Because if you abandon your own values to reach your dreams, you’re setting yourself up to a hollow victory.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

Before we get into the core, let’s take one step first. In the past, I’ve already posted this small thing:

Rules not enforced are rules non-existent. Same goes for laws.

Does it make sense? Think about it a little. You have a law, written, codified and in effect and yet you’ve never ever heard anything done with it. How come? Wild conspiracies aside, it’s either such a niche rule that it’s either redundant or it has an extremely narrow field where it applies or it’s such an idiotic law that it wouldn’t stand in any court whose workers have one functioning brain cell. Such then become unenforceable and thus de facto non-existent. It wouldn’t be surprising that you’d find examples of these in some funny books focused on collecting such laws. I had one at home and believe me, the US was about 50% of the book and it was split by states. Sorry, US folks, but your law system is really a comedy. Well, tragi-comedy these days. But I’m not here to dig a salted knife between US ribs now because whole world is being led by idiots.

Anyway, back to the topic. Speaking of unenforced/unenforceable laws, remember Article 13/15 or later Article 15/17? The Meme-pocalypse? Well, you’re almost a decade late. And by the way, the law passed and if I remember correctly, it should even be in effect. And yet, crickets. Seems like we have a nice case of the quote above.

Alright, now let’s get into something more insidious and change the quote a little:

Rules not enforced correctly might as well not exist in the first place. Same goes for laws.

What I’m saying here is basically a more fancy version of “Rules for thee but none for me”. I’m sure everyone has been on the receiving end of corrupt rule enforcement, regardless of it being to your benefit but more likely to your detriment. How did it feel? Did it feel good? If so, well, then I’m afraid you have a problem between your ears. Otherwise you felt ever-so-little slimy. Because rules should be applied consistently. Of course, circumstances apply as well which is why working in law is such an insane job and props to whoever has the guts to do this and do it right. My mental state is too fragile for this level of stress. But the core of the quote still applies and the rules must be enforced consistently within it’s constraints and boundaries.

Consistency … I swear this word will somehow attain a physical form and will keep chasing me all my life. But it’s a big part of the answer to the question in the headline. Because it’s time to present you with an answer. So:

How can XYZ be legal? That depends on who is enforcing the rule.

Here we go. Here’s the painful answer to the clusterfuck that is happening now and why certain regimes have been so efficient at taking out their “enemies”. All because they made their actions legal. And how do you challenge something that’s corrupt as hell but legal? Especially when it’s been like this for years. That’s the most difficult task because you have the system stacked against you. Lawsuit? It can be tossed away on the stupidest formality. Why? Because they said so, that’s why. By force? That’s risky not only because it can result in a stronger repressions but also someone equally evil slipping their way in and twist the noble cause to their benefit. Orwell knew this quite well; see Animal Farm.

So, what to do? Well, push back anyway. Lawfully first and when that fails, ramp up the pressure. Why? Because evil needs to stay hidden to succeed. When exposed, it’s vulnerable and its effect start eroding. How so? Because pride inevitably leads to arrogance. And if you remember, arrogance is counterfeit of confidence. The latter is the helping hand you hold when learning to walk on a tight rope. The former is the blindfold you put on before stepping on a rotting bridge over a pit.

R.R.A

#SelfMentoring

First thing’s first, an “obligatory” quote, or in this case, a definition:

Arrogance is a counterfeit of confidence.

Sounds rather interesting, right? Especially after I tell you that they’re in fact not necessarily mutually exclusive and a person, who’s completely confident in one area, can easily fall into a trap of arrogance. So how do they differ? It’s in how they present. Both require an action but the key is in how. Confidence demands the action to be performed right. Arrogance requires an action to be performed just well enough that the lack of competence can be masked for the masses. By reading this you’d always put much more faith in the confident person, right? Right? So why did you put it in the arrogant one? Presentation, that’s why. To mask an act of arrogance, a show needs to be put on. A theatre to cast an illusion, to please the crowd and to exclude the ones who’d see the truth. And why does it work? Because we want it to.

Now, how does it relate to the title? You’ll get the idea with this quote:

Confidence is admitting that you can succeed. Arrogance is refusing the possibility you can fail.

See dots to connect? A confident person is aware of their skills and abilities and applies them in a way to reach their goal; success. An arrogant person is fully aware of their lack of skills and/or understanding and exercises maximum effort to reach prevent their biggest fear; failure. Now, taking the quote from the title a confident person to say: “I’ll use my skills to make sure this doesn’t happen to me.” An arrogant person would add: “This cannot happen to me. I’m too good for this.” See the difference? Even better, can you sense the emotion in those two quotes? Does the first one sound motivational, prompting action, sparking curiosity? Does the other one sound defensive, insincere? Now look at the world around you ask yourself the question: “Are we confident and using our abilities to the fullest? Or are we just arrogant, hiding behind noble goals while masking our incompetence and cowardice?” The answer is up to you. And remember:

If your response to something is “This cannot happen to here/to me”, it is only a matter of time until it does happen. And then you will gleefully sleepwalk into a much worse disaster.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

What is better – to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?

Paarthurnax, from The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim

I don’t think I need to introduce this quote much. It’s been around for quite a while and it made its way into the online spaces. The reason I’m borrowing it here is of course the idea behind the quote. That idea is that one should consider not only the past of someone they’re dealing with but also the present actions and also how they themselves look at their past. Are they proud of their past actions? Do they look at their past decisions with a critical eye? Are they trying to atone for their past mistakes? All these questions are extremely important factors when considering a renewal of the “peace treaty of tolerance” between people and providing forgiveness in the sense of my previous episode. However, mostly in those same online space, we witness quite a lot of people viewing accountability either as a weakness or worse, a tool of abuse. How, well, let’s take a look.

Alright, first things first, let’s take a look at the original quote and dissect it a bit:

• “To be born good” – This in itself is not something to be noteworthy because we’re born good by default. Or, if you’re really hard into creationist view, we’re being created good. Because if not, then the quote wouldn’t even exist. And worse, our creator, which we consider benevolent by our beliefs, would be evil.
• “To overcome your evil nature …” – Just like above, what evil nature? If we’re evil by nature, why would we want to overcome it?
• “Through great effort” – This sounds good but it’s missing something. Just great effort isn’t enough.

So, now that we look at the quote with this knowledge, it feels a little off, right? Well, it’s because it’s a bit oversimplified for the cause. The core idea of it is correct but the wording muddles is a bit. So, let me try and add the missing pieces

What is better – to be revered as good, or to confront and amend your past misguided deeds through sincere effort?

Now, let’s take a look at the changes:

• “To be revered as good” — This challenges your default nature because reverence lowers your need for self-critique. But if you don’t look at yourself critically, how can you know you’re doing good? By the reverence of others? If so, then you rely on external validation which renders you not confident in your own abilities.
• “To confront and amend your past misguided deeds” — This is a really crucial formulation. Because you can only do the mentioned things if your actions were not deliberate but influenced by other factors. If however you are deliberately a “bad actor” … then why do we even have this discussion?
• “Through sincere effort” — And here’s the key. The effort to improve yourself and mend bridges MUST be sincere from your end. If it’s only pretend and transactional, it won’t have the desired effect and make matters even worse in the long run.

Alright, now that we have established accountability as a tool to face your past, analyse it, learn from it and make amendments where necessary, let’s look at the second part of the headline; accountability turned into a form of abuse. You’re probably thinking, “Wait, you just described it as a good thing. How can it be abusive?” Well, as sad as it is, it can be. And we needn’t look further than to the online spaces and one of its many buzzwords, cancel culture. Now, now, lay down your pitchforks and torches. Larger portion of this phenomenon is exaggerated because many people who scream about it are genuine arsehats who were caught red-handed. That said, there’s a genuine seed of concern in the actions of the “mob justice”. Yes, you should hold the perpetrator accountable for their mistakes and make sure they learn from them.

And here’s the catch. A worrying amount of people isn’t interested in the perpetrator to have a chance at recovery. Rather, they’re interested in revenge. And the accountability can be a tool to do just that. How? By making sure the person held accountable can never reach the goal, no matter how hard they try. They can put all the effort, show genuine and sincere efforts but they’ll never be good enough. Any and all of their actions will be viewed as insufficient. But why; I ask. What does it bring you? How does it make you better? The answer is painful; it doesn’t. In fact, it makes you an abuser. An abuser which may, depending on situation, be just as bad, if not worse. Except in this dynamic you’re trying to out-do someone who was possibly just misled and/or didn’t know better. And now they’re being stomped on. But everyone has their limit and eventually, that limit will be crossed. And when that happens, you won’t be ready for the aftermath. So remember:

Holding someone guilty for their past mistakes when they’ve shown sincere accountability makes you an abuser and can drive the guilty one towards revenge.

What’s the moral of the story? Hold people accountable, make sure they confront themselves with critical mindset and when shown light and willing to improve, help them grow. Because just like it’s their responsibility to account for themselves, it may be your responsibility to guide them. But if you berate them instead, you’ll shut the door to redemption to their face. And if they can’t open it, why bother?

Revenge is not the answer.

Killing you won’t bring my family back. I’m done.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

Forgive, but do not forget.

Ok, so how does this work, you ask? How can I forgive someone for their actions but at the same time not forget? Well, to better grasp the idea, let’s dissect the quote.

Forgive …

As mentioned above, we’re taught that an act of forgiveness is an act of kindness towards someone who caused us pain, be it directly or indirectly. Often this is depicted in a form of “past is past, let’s start over” kind of situation. But that’s only one way forgiveness can work. This kind of forgiveness requires a lot of trust, accountability and sincerity from the side that caused harm to earn such second chance. And even then it means that hurts of the past can’t be forgotten for otherwise you’ll inevitably step into same traps.

So how does forgiveness work in situations that aren’t about giving a second chance? Boundaries. It’s drawing a strong boundary and informing the other side that they’ve stepped over it. Depending on how severe that transgression was it can then range from lowering your relationship to even cutting the person out. The forgivneess then is the act of “That’s it. Here’s the line drawn and the situation is dealt with. I did it to preserve my integrity and I accept the consequences.” Does it hurt? Absolutely, if it’s related to a strong event. Especially if you’re severing ties with someone who you’ve known for long and they’ve disappointed you. But what’s a better choice in long-term? Keep being trampled on internally? Or standing up, saying “Enough!”, grabbing your abuser by the collar and trowing them out and shutting the door in their face? Drawing this line is an important step in healing the wounds. And forgiveness in this case is not only “closing” the chapter” but also, as weird as it may sound, giving yourself another chance to build anew, with more experience this time. Speaking of which …

… but do not forget.

Here’s the where the “do not forget” part comes in. It provides the justification and a reminder in case you want to reflect and reevaluate in the future. It gives the important lesson so there’s a smaller chance of repeating the mistake. Sure, we’re only human so we might step into some traps again but the more aware we can be of the traps, the easier time we’ll have.

Alright, now you might’ve read all this and there’s a worm in your brain telling you that all of this sounds a bit selfish, or that I’m trying to manipulate you into being an arsehole. Well, my dear reader, if you have this “brain worm”, that’s only good because you can see that this approach may be misused. But fear not, there’s a safeguard and it’s the sincerity of the other side. As said above, if the other side is sincere in their accountability, you can grant them a second chance or choose not to be harsh. This way you prevent turning the tables around because otherwise, the following will apply:

Holding someone guilty for their past mistakes when they’ve shown sincere accountability makes you an abuser and can drive the guilty towards revenge.

Emphasis on sincere accountability of course in such cases. But if that was observed and you act harshly, you may make the situation even worse and instead of being compassionate to yourself and drawing a healthy boundary between you and the other side, you’ll instead happen to step over the other’s boundary. But since your goal wasn’t doing so, you’ll end up causing harm to both at the same time which then leads to you being terrified of what you’ve done and the other side motivated by spite to possibly act even worse since they see no reason to stop. Thus your inner turmoil continues fueled even more by fear of revenge.

So yeah, forgive by drawing healthy boundaries to start the healing process and allow yourself and the other side to go on. Do not forget why you did it to not only learn from it but to maintain your personal integrity. And make sure you don’t step over the other side’s boundaries to accidentally turn the situation around and escalate further instead of dousing the flames.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring

Comparison is a thief of joy. Inspiration on the other hand is a well of ideas.

”I’ll never be as good as ABC.”

“I can’t do it like XYZ.”

If this is your mindset, you’re heading towards failing your goals. Why? Because your focus isn’t on your own improvement. We all like benchmarks, we like to have idols that give us inspiration. But here’s the key word; inspiration. It’s not comparison. One of the first things that I was taught during my rather short sports “career”, besides the positive feedback first idea, was “Do not compare yourself to others because it will stunt your progress.” And if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Your brain focuses on the comparison as its goal, distracting your from your own progress. This not only creates more frustration but, since you’re not seeing your improvement, you can’t be happy about your steps towards the original goal.

Now you may ask, “So I should isolate myself from any charts, benchmarks and idols?” Not at all, my dear reader. The former serves as a tool to track your progress. To give an idea on how your path went and is going now. As for the latter, remember, inspiration is the key. Instead of looking at someone and thinking “I can’t do it like them”, shift your mindset towards something along the lines of “This looks interesting. Would it work for me? Can I try it? Can I adapt it to suit my goals?” Can you see/hear the change? Can you feel your brain starting up, working up all the possible solutions? Can you feel the ideas spreading like branches on a tree? Almost overwhelming, isn’t it? So many ideas and possibilites and they all feel good.

I can see you feeling nicely motivated right now. However, since we’re also on the topic of checking ourselves, there’s a bit I want to squeeze in when it comes to setting improvement goals and achieveing them:

If your goal is to keep improving, you’ll never succeed. Think of Achilles and the tortoise.

Wait, how does that make sense? And what does it have to do with Achilles? Why tortoise? Calm down, my dear reader, we’ll get to all of these in a moment. First things first, goal setting. We’re probably quite familiar with the S.M.A.R.T. goals methodology:

• Specific – must have clear scope
• Measurable – must have a traceable progress
• Achievable – must be within your capabilities
• Relevant – must be relevant to you or the task
• Time-bound – must have clear milestones or finish

Now, when you say you want to keep improving, let’s try and match it all of these conditions.

Is it specific? Not really

Is it measurable? What do you measure? And how?

Is it achievable? Maybe but how exactly?

Is it relevant? Relevant to what?

Is it time-bound? Considering how vague it is, how do you specify a timeline for it?

See the issue? No way we could apply the conditions here. And we can’t really do this, how can we improve when we have no clear idea how to? Yet so many people tend to do this and then get frustrated that there’s no change. And the main issue is there’s no goal in the first place. They’re just aimlessly going somewhere and maybe reaching their desired destination.

Now to the second part of that quite which relates to the S.M.A.R.T. conditions quite a bit. It’s an analogy which I first heard in Maths, mathematical analysis specifically, when I was learning about limits. Take Achilles, yes, that Achilles and put him next to tortoise. They’re going to race against each other. Now, you’re probably thinking “What? How is that a race?”. But let’s give the tortoise a head start. After a certain time period, Achilles starts catching up. After some time, Achilles cuts the distance to the tortoise ahead in half while tortoise advances a bit. After some more time, Achilles cuts the distance in half again while the tortoise advances a bit more. And again, and again, and again …

See where I’m going? Each and every time there’s a progress on Achilles’ side but each and every time the tortoise moves away slightly. The distance between them keeps shrinking but they never reach each other. Or at least not in finite space.

How does this relate to growth and improvement? Let’s apply S.M.A.R.T.

• Specific? Yes, we want to catch up
• Measurable? Yes, we have the distance
• Achievable? Technically yes but we’ll get to that
• Relevant? Within our analogy, yes
• Time-bound? … Uh oh

Here we have two conditions that are contested. Achievability, because while we can achieve the event of catching up, it keeps moving away. In fact, we keep moving it forward because improvement isn’t static. And we have to keep moving the goalpost to keep improving. Second condtition is the time because when do we stop? And if we stop, are we improving? Or did we get stuck? The reason we have time-bound goals is also related to measurability. The time frames give us milestones, checkpoints.

So here we go. My small insight into how to handle improving your skills or growing as a person in a way that makes it more enjoyable and hopefully less frustrating and anxiety inducing. To sium it up, focus on yourself instead of looking at others (remember, you’re the only person you actually want to impress), take inspiration when desired and set your goals with the idea of improvement being a cool side-effect instead of the main subject.

R.R.A.

#SelfMentoring