Rawen's Musings

Sounds weird, doesn’t it. Or maybe it doesn’t sound weird at all and you’re completely familiar with the feeling. It’s the best way I could describe how I feel about the place I come from, live in and will probably expire unless a miracle happens. But it is what it is. Want to know more? Well, feel free to take a peek into this woof’s mind yet again.

I’m rather vague about my place of stay for rather obvious reasons, even though I’m fully aware that security through obscurity doesn’t really work. And if you can piece together where I’m from, you might start getting a glimpse of understand of my point of view and why I’m not describing the place in a pleasant way. But what causes this animosity? Why do I feel it? How does it manifest?

First, I’m going reference the “professional renegade” thing again. I’ve never really conformed to a group or managed to “fit in”. Same goes for any so called “higher cause”. Why? I can’t just be given a simple phrase or a symbol and follow it. Nope, I need to know why. What is the motivation? Is it actually something I want and should “fight” for? Or is it just a something thrown in my face as a bone to distract me from some dirty play?

This can be combined with my personal “anti-nationalist” stance, fuelled even more by the total disrespect and misappropriation of the “national pride”. For most people, seeing their flag gives them a feeling of pride. Me? I feel either indifference or disgust. But Rawi, shouldn’t you be proud of your country? My dear reader, proud of what? That we have a talent of giving zero fucks about anything? That any good will is being dragged into a dark alley and having it’s throat cut by our lack of spine? That everything that makes us human is about to be raped dry by a bunch monkeys who would become a carpet to have their “peace” because they can’t be more than a glorified slave and a pet to their rapist masters? That whatever we tend to call “life” or “culture” is so primitive that it makes our cave-dwelling ancestors look more civilised?

No, my dear reader, I see no reason for this misguided pride in something that can’t even be properly defined. I don’t see a reason pound my chest when this place is about as humane as a concentration camp. It’s just better at hiding it. There’s a reason I refuse to have my country’s flag shown anywhere and any time I have to mention my nationality I do it more out of necessity and courtesy.

But there’s a side which shoots me in the feet. This sentiment of mine isn’t just abstract. It does to a certain point carry over to people. Any person I have to interact in my usual day-to-day life gets passed through this filter. The same goes for folks that I interact in online spaces. Now, I’m not openly hostile because that’d go against my own personal code; no need to assume malice unless blindingly obvious. At the same time, this view clashes with my slow build-up in knowledge on how people act the way they do (yay for having psychology as a rather fringe interest). What used to be my protection has slowly but surely started becoming a kind of a prison, keeping me isolated. Can I leave it? Of course I can but it means facing the mindset I despise. It means a potential mingling with the mentality I can’t stand anymore. Do I want to take that risk? Would I be able to preserve my integrity? Or would I end up having to mask yet again? Would I have to hide who I am even among those who would be pleasant? How come I feel more authentic and comfortable with those who are far away than those who are closer to me?

I’m standing at a crossroad at which no path in front of me feels good to follow. One leads to isolation, the other goes against who I am. Then there’s one that could be described as “lead by example”; be the change you want to happen. But as you may know, I’m no leader. So, what path to choose?

R.R.A.