Rawen's Musings

Been a little ranty lately so let’s dive into something calmer for a change. And as you can probably guess from the headline, it’s going to be a bit more personal (yay, you get “rewarded” with having my brain picked). Some of it will also relate to my relatively recent post about the myths about autists and you might find out that I can relate to some of their struggles despite not being diagnosed as one. Hence why I’m learning to answer “I can’t say for certain.” when anyone asks me if I’m autistic. So, here’s my brain on the table. Let’s poke it.

As the headline hints, I’ve got two life-long struggles that will keep following me to the end of days. I handle groups or crowds really badly and I really don’t understand conflicts, by which I mean more petty conflicts. Both of these have roots in my upbringing, as is quite common with “issues” like these. Now that I’m a grown-up adult (and hopefully reasonably mature :p), I’m better at managing them but they’re still a source of some major anxieties or anger-inducing moments (hello, social media rage-torture chambers >:3). But as a kid … I always shyed away from others. Being in a group of kids was a nightmare for me. Always feeling sidelined, always feeling odd and excluded. And me and conflicts? Yup, you guessed it. I crumbled like a house made of wet napkins. Hearing an argument? I’m noping the hell away. Even when I just happened to stumble open two or more people arguing I was like “Why are they shouting at each other?” And nobody, be it my mum, dad, grandma or grandpa could give me a satisfying answer.

If somehow you’d gotten a chance to talk to me as a kid, you would’ve noticed that there’s not that big of a difference in how I present now and how I used to. Sure, I was more in line with what you’d expect from a boy with his dreams of being a super-hero or his favourite cartoon character but even with all that I presented more mature than my peers. And as long as I was among adults I was fine. But put me in a group of my peers and whoo boy. I was completely lost. It was like a torture for me. Sure, exposure over time helped a little but I was still not comfortable and the teachers in kindergarten saw it. They saw that I’m always a bit away and staying on my own rather than engaging with other kids. And since my mum was very open-minded and aware of muy struggles she and the teachers took the intitative and started looking for ways to at least figure out what’s going on in that small head of mine.

Days and weeks passed and I was getting closer to starting elementary school. But before that, I was recommended for a psychological review due to my “group-handling” struggles. So I got there with my mum got introduced to the psychologist. Initially I was left on my own because the psychologist already knew I’m an introverted person and I was happy when I could entertain myself when provided with toys or books. And so I dove into one of the books (me being the curoius information-hungry kid it was of course some kind of encyclopedia) while my mum consulted my issues. Later, they both came to me and we talked about it all together. In the end, I was recommneded to start the elementary school one year later to catch up on lacking social skills before “moving up”. Hence why I was often one of the oldest people in my class.

Now comes the funny question. Did I know exactly why I was recommended to delay my school start? The answer is no. At least not until relatively recently when I got super curious why I’m still crumbilng on an occasion despite being msore mature. And being around so many people who are far more open about their personal struggles got me thinking whether or not I haven’t got any diagnosis kept from me. So, when I had a chance which was coincidentially during my depressive episode, I asked my mum whether she remembers. She of course does and told me that there’s no diagnosis I’ve had kept from me.

So what was the official assessment? Long story short, I was above average compared to my peers when it came to intellect but my social development was stunted due to my introverted nature and the fact I spent so much time among adults and very little time among kids. All this trasfered into my adulthood in the shape of me being a quick learner and a reasonably smart guy at the cost of being socially anxious, introverted to a point of sometimes being isolationist (reinforced by the fact that I was often being excluded or taken advantage of), crumbling under pressure and afraid of anyone who raises their voice. Oh and utterly hating any form of “pissing contest” or idiotic arguments.

Speaking of which, you might be asking how all this relates to the “understanding conflicts” thing. Well, as mentioned above, I spent more time among adults. This of course led to me not being exposed to the small conflicts that often happen between kids. I was already at the young age a someone who’s willing to compromise or look for consensus. Now I lean more to the latter because compromise implies all sides backing down instead of actually looking for a solution but that’s just my personal thing. But at that age, this mindset doesn’t really work. And sadly the same doesn’t really work in adulthood when you look into any online space or nowadays even real life. The amount of petty conflicts is so insane that I sometimes feel like I’m in a kindergarten full of rowdy kids with nobody to settle them down. And for me, who doesn’t really understand the reasons or finds them silly, such environment is exhausting. Lo and behold, a misanthrope is born. Well, I’m not that far down the rabbit hole, but definitely not fond of other people knowing the risks and the chance of encountering them.

So yeah, this is a big part of the reason why I’m such a wreck of a person. Am I fishing for sympathy with this? Oh hell no. Let’s be honest, if you’re asking this then you wouldn’t give it anyway. Nah, all I’m doing here is just offering a peek into a mind of someone who you’d consider rather usual albeit a little nervous. But as you can see, I’m very much not. Just like nobody is because there is no “normal”.

R.R.A.