Closing the chapter ... 2024
Wow, what a year. So many turbulences, so many joys, so many disappointments. Yet the world is still turning and we keep going. Now, I’m not here to evaluate the year in general. What am I, God? If I was one I’d know everything anyway. But I don’t which means that there’s still lot to discover. And that is the word that describes my 2024; discovery. This year felt to me like I’ve unearthed an entrance to an ancient library and a workshop and I’m slowly absorbing the knowledge while in the meantime practicing my skills with the various tools, making things that soothe the mind and spark the urge to do more. Moreover, the library has a writing with a quill and a piece of parchment which are always ready for the words that I decide to “immortalise”. And how did I find out? Well, my dear reader, let’s take a small journey together.
Part I: The weirdest limbo
The start of the year marked a little unpleasant even at work. Our contract with the project has ended so the team was recalled and put for an offer on another contract. Despite the efforts of trying to keep the team together, we eventually dissolved and each of us went our own way. For me it funnily meant a return to my previous contractor just into a different field. How did it feel? Weird, to be quite honest. On one hand I was quite safe the contract is handled by the employer, not to mention I have a good skillset and I’m willing to expand it. It still felt a little off though. The on-boarding into the new thing didn’t help me much either because at the start if felt a little disorganised.
Part II: The beatdown
Coming into the mid-point of the year and this is where things went completely off the rails. Now, keep in mind that not much has changed in my life. Still the same job, “home” and all the folks I hold dear were around. And yet, one day the absolutely worst depression hit me like a freight train. How bad it was? Let me put it this way. I had my moments of being really down but always powered through (yes, by being a “man” because you know, “men are not allowed to be weak”). Not this time. This time it wasn’t the “get up and get going”. This time it was paralysing. Work felt so mundane that I just slogged through. Getting up on weekends? Not an option. Hell, flopping into my bed and staring into the ceiling had my eyes tear up. Everything felt like crumbling. Literally everything. All I expected was someone snapping their finger and I’d be left in an empty wasteland, alone, just waiting in agony to finally expire.
So, how come I’m here? It’s all thanks to my SO and my dear friend-sibling. They were around to help me stand up and slowly pick up the broken pieces. Then I could start putting them back together. And who would’ve known that I started finding some new ones.
Part III: The discovery
Or I should actually say discoveries because there were few. And first one came just a month after my lowest episode. What was it? Well, the product of the effort is just lounging on the cupboard behind my desk. With some motivation of a “raccoon” friend of mine, I gave a try at making my suit. How did it turn out? Well, if you happen to follow my socials, you already know ;3 And believe me when I tell you that I love every single second I spend in that suit. However, it’s not just the suiting experience that makes me happy. It’s the discovery that came with it; that I’m not as clumsy as I’ve been thinking all the time. Or more specifically, how I’ve been told by my parents. Yes, dad, I’m looking at you. Anyway, I’m not here to rant at my past. I’m here to celebrate my new-found ability which I’ve yet to utilise further. Because there are two more floofs to bring to life. And then of course they’re going to need proper attire ;)
So yeah, that was one discovery of this year but how about another one? Hehe, you’re looking at it right now. Remember the quill and parchment? This is it. I discovered my writing skills. Well, that’s a bit inaccurate because I was already writing from time to time to let out some frustrations but early September gave me the motivation to sharing my thoughts. And over those four months you’ve had the chance to peek into my brain and my views. They’re all out there, ready to be pondered upon, upheld or torn to pieces if you desire.
My writing then led me to re-igniting my fringe interest in psychology. I still remember my past self parading with his nose in the clouds by being a “techie”. Believe me, I was a huge jerk when I look at myself in retrospect. And my past self would look at me asking “What the hell? Since when did you get so soft?” Well, I didn’t. I was like this all along. My stupid young me just decided to push this side of me away. Why? Maybe it was a fear of judgement or just something to do to “fit in”. Trust me, with the experience I have now, “Fake it until you make it” is one hell of a toxic mindset to have.
Wow, look at me ranting again and stepping away from the original idea. Or am I just “info-dumping”? Could it be that there are some neurodivergent traits? That, my dear reader, is something that is still waiting to be discovered but this time, due to the combination of my own interest and stumbling upon some amazing folks who already are confirmed neurodivergent, I’ve got a lot information I can work with. And it raised some valid questions whether my brain ribbons aren’t rainbow-coloured. It’s funny how people that present day society still considers “damaged” or “broken” have been and still are ones that make me grow the most. And each moment I spend in their space is eye-opening. Just like opening the library with ancient long-lost knowledge. And the folks are my librarians, the frequent visitors and my guides on the path.
So yeah, towards the closing hours of the year, I feel like I’m ending on an upward trend. Yes, I had my hardest moments this year but they ended up rewarding me later. The dark cave I ended up in, trying desperately to light the fire to warm myself up, happened to be close to another road which happened to have someone take shelter with me and help me to make it brighter. And then the cave turned into a secret passage into this treasury.
What lies ahead?
Alright, enough story-telling about what has passed. Because there’s also things to look forward to in the future. Yes, it’ll be a feisty period with all the stuff happening but I’m not going down that easily. So, how am I going to “fight”? First things first, I’m going on an adventure into the Gardens of Zen! Weirdly enough situated at the cold coast of the Northern Europe but there will be a lot of fluff to keep myself warm :3 And of course I’ll bring my fluffy self with me!
Second but even more important, there is a promise to keep. A promise I made four years ago and has been long overdue because of my anxiety. But not anymore. Besides, I’m long overdue for a proper vacation and having one with my SO sounds like a proper way for my recovery. The woes of LDR.
Then there might be another fuzzy adventure. One that is very close to my place so getting there will be easy. Besides, I’ve been “hidden” from the local floofs and sticking my sniffer out might be a good idea. Can’t be in isolation forever.
What about my artistic venues? Well, writing definitely isn’t going anywhere. There’s always something to “talk about”. Or at least rant about :p. And it gets better when you have company in writing :3 Then of course I have drawing, which might become more frequent again if I gain inspiration. I’ll get back into crafty stuff too. One could say the future is … orange :3 Most importantly though, I have a smile to share with everyone. And no, I don’t mean the one that’s sometimes painted on my face. I mean the one I own. The that is mine and genuine and I want everyone to see it. 2024 I started with a quote “Towards the future with magic and a smile!” For 2025, I have a similar rally:
In a world that celebrates misery as strength, every act of kindness and sincere joy is a rebellious act. And especially these day, I say: “Rebel Away!”
So, you know what to do. Rebel away! For the Jester King! For the sincere joy we all crave!
R.R.A.