Rawen's Musings

Today I’m going to look back at a moment which marked a moment my path in the fandom I so loosely relate to took a turn. On one hand, the decision left me wandering in the field. At the same time it set up a safety barrier and allowed me to pursue my own goals. Were there losses? Definitely. But staying around would honestly prove horribly limiting. So yeah, today marks the one year of my decision and looking back, it was the correct one. Wondering why? Well, you know I won’t leave you in the dark.

First, let’s roll back to the dreaded year of 2020. Yes, that year we all really want to already consign to history and not go back. Tied to my home, switching between work, studies, some games but still in one room. Few weeks into this “prison” I decided to make a life-changing (yes, for me it was like that) decision and dip my toes into the fandom I’ve been essentially curious about for years already. So, posing as my black wolf with silver face, white chest (which later grew into the “cowl”) and blue wristbands (blue beans came later) I started showing myself to others. After some small random encounters I landed in a more organised online place. A relatively sizable one with a decent feel, not too wild and, importantly for me, not naughty (I’m rather strict in that regard). Few weeks in I got around the adults in there since they had a separate section to have a “hideout” from the general wilderness.

The place effectively become my home and escape from the back then sucky real world. Folks were decent, plenty of interesting moments gave me room and ideas for practicing my back then really fledgeling drawing skills and I started making a name for myself. Moreover, I started finding folks I really clicked with (one of them being my future dearest ;) ). Sure, there were some bumps as there are bad actors in every place but overall, the place was good to come back to.

Days and weeks passed, world around wasn’t really feeling like going into something more bearable, I finally told my current SO that I am crazy about them and even saw them grow into a part of the staff of the place. Weirdly enough, that’s when the cracks started to show first. At first I perceived it as my impatience and a bit of envy getting better of me which got fixed and things started to look better. Except they didn’t and just months later both me and my SO felt the impact. It wasn’t direct but it was quite clear where we stood. Designated to side lines, I was reminded why I became an “outcast” during my high school years. Only this was different because this was a punch from people that were priding themselves on openness and acceptance. For my SO it was an even more painful experience due to them being on the spectrum and rather anxious. This took some mending but our trust into the people of the place was already shaken.

Months have passed further, world finally opened up and well, gone even more insane, my fuzzy side evolved (all three of my characters were in the wild at this point) and was still staying around the place that led me in. But something was different. There was a noticeable feeling of distance and unease. It was as if the rules were inconsistent and arbitrary. That the cohesive feeling the place had before went away, replaced by distrust and hostility. This uneasy feeling eventually led me to effectively abandon the place. I was still there but became increasingly quiet, spending more time with cosier folks in smaller spaces. Furthermore, the staff of the place grew more and more … narrow-minded and sometimes really unwelcoming to non-conformance. Pretty ironic from a fandom priding itself on diversity. What kind of cemented this feeling was a moment when someone who actually used to be part of the staff called this out and was silenced (I have my gripe with that moment myself but that’s not something for public eyes and ears).

Anyway, our day is near and my position of a “quiet watcher” stays. I do my things in real life, enjoying the brighter moments and experiences my SO from across the world is having with finally being able to “spread their wings” while we both are slowly stepping away from the place (SO even stepped away from their staff duties). The place in the meantime doesn’t get any better. And on the day, precisely a year ago, I’ve said enough. Witnessing yet another instance of someone losing their mind was a clear signal for me to finally step out of the door and slam it shut. My SO followed shortly after, seeing no reason to stay around anymore. So, how did I feel back then? Honestly, relieved that I don’t need to curb my temper. Sure, I lost some folks but was it really a loss if we didn’t connect already?

Time moved on and of course a thought of peeking back in came back out of curiosity. Did I indulge it, you might ask? No, my dear reader, I didn’t and won’t. Why? Well, I see no reason to come back into a place which left me angry AND disappointed. Angry at the hypocrisy and hostility, disappointed by the betrayal of the very values they so pride themselves on. And both these feelings come back with a strong swing whenever I remember some of the people. And believe me, I wouldn’t be kind this time around.

So, now we’re here, an exact year from the change. How did it pan out? Well, I got into this little hobby of typing my thoughts, I still draw, I feel much more free to play around with my characters and embody them instead of being tied to a mould, broke the myth of being clumsy and ultimately, I’m about to spread my own wings at last. Would that be doable back then? Likely yes but there’s one more important detail. That I share this experience with people that are genuine and not posing to fit in. So in the end, one could say I “lost the flock” but I gained a tribe. And that, in my opinion, is much more important.

R.R.A.