My fuzzy side ... My wolf is not just a character but an extension of Self
Been a long while since I dipped deeper into the floof business of mine. Aside from small remarks towards the fandom and introduction of my personal trifecta I haven’t really said anything more about it. Though if you’ve been tagging along for a while you’ve definitely seen me fooling around with the fruits of my creative labour of love ;3
Anyway, in today’s short musing I’d like to shed a bit more light at my wolf self specifically because there’s actually a bit of a life story linked to him and why I possibly relate to him quite a bit more.
Now, I know I’ll probably disappoint some of you but no, the extension is not in a therian sense. For that to be true, I’d have to be a shapeshifter due to having multiple characters. The point of the story I’m to share is to add up on the already shared background of how Rawen came to be even before his physical self became a thing.
In the introduction post, I gave three main characteristics to Rawen; Serious, Mentor, Big Brother. I’ve chosen these to provide the broad description of my “main” character. However, there could be two more which stem from a bit of a psychological background; Artist and Advisor.
To understand the descriptors, let’s rewind over a decade back to Rawi just at the verge of his 20s. I’m in the last year of secondary school and aside from that, I’m also working on something resembling a beginning of a professional sports career. “Wait, what? You did that?” you ask. Indeed, my dear reader. I got the full package; intense training, competitions, regeneration programmes and of course, psychological practices. The last in the list is the important part to the story.
The sessions were a bit irregular due to the schedule being rather tight but they were at roughly monthly basis. On these I was taught techniques on how to handle pre-competition anxiety and stress (important to a nervous wreck like me) as well as analysing and revising the previous experiences and what could I learn from them. In some of earlier sessions, the psychologist of course needed a bit of a personality assesment too which is a short story I might share at some point as well. The one I want to talk about now is linked to a session on which I did something akin to Rorschach’s test. You know, the one with the various ink spots? In these I often identified various animals and natural motives. The assesment of that was that I have a creative mind.
Creative mind … remember the Artist tag? Not to mention what I’m doing right now? This also prompted my following question: “Since I lean towards animals and animal motives a lot, I have to ask: Why wolf specifically?” Mind you, I already had my “iconic” wolf aesthetic (ok, just a shirt with a wolf motive to keep it subtle but immediately recognisable). “Could be that you’re a pack leader in your mind, the so-called Alpha,” was the answer from the psychologist. And yes, I’m aware the “Alpha” thing and the related hierarchy theory is inaccurate. “That … doesn’t really work for me,” I rejected, “Mainly because I detest leading. I immediately refuse leading roles.” “Hmm, and how do you feel when you’re being led?” I was asked right after. “I don’t mind having a leader but they must be competent. Because I despise bad leadership,” I answered. “Here we go. That’s the answer to your original question. Once could say you’re the ‘super-Alpha’ (that’s a quote by the way). The one who checks the actual Alpha,” assessed the psychologist.
Back then I found it interesting but didn’t give it much weight. But now when I return to that moment I find out that it indeed makes sense. I don’t like leading roles because I’m aware of the tremendous responsibility they entail and I don’t have the personal will to handle it. At the same time, I have an absolute disdain towards incompetent leaders. Be it they’re too controlling, negligent or downright arrogant. So you can probably imagine how I feel these days in the world led mostly by imbeciles. Anyway, I’m not here to rant so this will be the only caustic spit I’ll let out of my system. Back to the topic, I was sometimes asked for my insight on some decisions regarding leadership actions. At this point I have no issues to provide them with words of caution that they’re based merely on my observations and often surface level knowledge of the matter at hand. Moreover, my information is just a small piece of the entire puzzle. All of these however match the Advisor tag.
And there you have it. That’s why I’m a wolf first when it comes to my fuzzy self. Not the hungry grinning fairy tale kind but more of the mentor kind which might fit into a mythological description of some cultures (I’d need someone far more versed in this field than me).
R.R.A.