Self-Mentoring XIII ... Forgiveness as an act of (self-)compassion
Been a while since I got into writing. And we’re back with the “unlucky 13”. I’ve lately stumbled upon some folks talking in public about their life struggles, ,venting their issues with other folks which caused them grief and how to apporach this. Often we get into a point where we “hold a grudge” if that trauma is massive and any reminder throws us back into the time we were experiencing the “torture”. This not only fuels our PTSD but can develop further into something worse. But when someone starts talking about forgiveness, we immediately go on full defence because we’re taught “forgiveness = everything’s fine, let’s start over”. However, that’s not true. Not at all, my dear reader. Forgiveness can in fact have a completely different form. Let me show some of them and as usual, we start with a quote; a short one and very much on point:
Forgive, but do not forget.
Ok, so how does this work, you ask? How can I forgive someone for their actions but at the same time not forget? Well, to better grasp the idea, let’s dissect the quote.
Forgive …
As mentioned above, we’re taught that an act of forgiveness is an act of kindness towards someone who caused us pain, be it directly or indirectly. Often this is depicted in a form of “past is past, let’s start over” kind of situation. But that’s only one way forgiveness can work. This kind of forgiveness requires a lot of trust, accountability and sincerity from the side that caused harm to earn such second chance. And even then it means that hurts of the past can’t be forgotten for otherwise you’ll inevitably step into same traps.
So how does forgiveness work in situations that aren’t about giving a second chance? Boundaries. It’s drawing a strong boundary and informing the other side that they’ve stepped over it. Depending on how severe that transgression was it can then range from lowering your relationship to even cutting the person out. The forgivneess then is the act of “That’s it. Here’s the line drawn and the situation is dealt with. I did it to preserve my integrity and I accept the consequences.” Does it hurt? Absolutely, if it’s related to a strong event. Especially if you’re severing ties with someone who you’ve known for long and they’ve disappointed you. But what’s a better choice in long-term? Keep being trampled on internally? Or standing up, saying “Enough!”, grabbing your abuser by the collar and trowing them out and shutting the door in their face? Drawing this line is an important step in healing the wounds. And forgiveness in this case is not only “closing” the chapter” but also, as weird as it may sound, giving yourself another chance to build anew, with more experience this time. Speaking of which …
… but do not forget.
Here’s the where the “do not forget” part comes in. It provides the justification and a reminder in case you want to reflect and reevaluate in the future. It gives the important lesson so there’s a smaller chance of repeating the mistake. Sure, we’re only human so we might step into some traps again but the more aware we can be of the traps, the easier time we’ll have.
Alright, now you might’ve read all this and there’s a worm in your brain telling you that all of this sounds a bit selfish, or that I’m trying to manipulate you into being an arsehole. Well, my dear reader, if you have this “brain worm”, that’s only good because you can see that this approach may be misused. But fear not, there’s a safeguard and it’s the sincerity of the other side. As said above, if the other side is sincere in their accountability, you can grant them a second chance or choose not to be harsh. This way you prevent turning the tables around because otherwise, the following will apply:
Holding someone guilty for their past mistakes when they’ve shown sincere accountability makes you an abuser and can drive the guilty towards revenge.
Emphasis on sincere accountability of course in such cases. But if that was observed and you act harshly, you may make the situation even worse and instead of being compassionate to yourself and drawing a healthy boundary between you and the other side, you’ll instead happen to step over the other’s boundary. But since your goal wasn’t doing so, you’ll end up causing harm to both at the same time which then leads to you being terrified of what you’ve done and the other side motivated by spite to possibly act even worse since they see no reason to stop. Thus your inner turmoil continues fueled even more by fear of revenge.
So yeah, forgive by drawing healthy boundaries to start the healing process and allow yourself and the other side to go on. Do not forget why you did it to not only learn from it but to maintain your personal integrity. And make sure you don’t step over the other side’s boundaries to accidentally turn the situation around and escalate further instead of dousing the flames.
R.R.A.