Self-Mentoring XIV ... Accountability is a tool of recovery, not abuse
What is better – to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?
Paarthurnax, from The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
I don’t think I need to introduce this quote much. It’s been around for quite a while and it made its way into the online spaces. The reason I’m borrowing it here is of course the idea behind the quote. That idea is that one should consider not only the past of someone they’re dealing with but also the present actions and also how they themselves look at their past. Are they proud of their past actions? Do they look at their past decisions with a critical eye? Are they trying to atone for their past mistakes? All these questions are extremely important factors when considering a renewal of the “peace treaty of tolerance” between people and providing forgiveness in the sense of my previous episode. However, mostly in those same online space, we witness quite a lot of people viewing accountability either as a weakness or worse, a tool of abuse. How, well, let’s take a look.
Alright, first things first, let’s take a look at the original quote and dissect it a bit:
- “To be born good” – This in itself is not something to be noteworthy because we’re born good by default. Or, if you’re really hard into creationist view, we’re being created good. Because if not, then the quote wouldn’t even exist. And worse, our creator, which we consider benevolent by our beliefs, would be evil.
- “To overcome your evil nature …” – Just like above, what evil nature? If we’re evil by nature, why would we want to overcome it?
- “Through great effort” – This sounds good but it’s missing something. Just great effort isn’t enough.
So, now that we look at the quote with this knowledge, it feels a little off, right? Well, it’s because it’s a bit oversimplified for the cause. The core idea of it is correct but the wording muddles is a bit. So, let me try and add the missing pieces
What is better – to be revered as good, or to confront and amend your past misguided deeds through sincere effort?
Now, let’s take a look at the changes:
- “To be revered as good” — This challenges your default nature because reverence lowers your need for self-critique. But if you don’t look at yourself critically, how can you know you’re doing good? By the reverence of others? If so, then you rely on external validation which renders you not confident in your own abilities.
- “To confront and amend your past misguided deeds” — This is a really crucial formulation. Because you can only do the mentioned things if your actions were not deliberate but influenced by other factors. If however you are deliberately a “bad actor” … then why do we even have this discussion?
- “Through sincere effort” — And here’s the key. The effort to improve yourself and mend bridges MUST be sincere from your end. If it’s only pretend and transactional, it won’t have the desired effect and make matters even worse in the long run.
Alright, now that we have established accountability as a tool to face your past, analyse it, learn from it and make amendments where necessary, let’s look at the second part of the headline; accountability turned into a form of abuse. You’re probably thinking, “Wait, you just described it as a good thing. How can it be abusive?” Well, as sad as it is, it can be. And we needn’t look further than to the online spaces and one of its many buzzwords, cancel culture. Now, now, lay down your pitchforks and torches. Larger portion of this phenomenon is exaggerated because many people who scream about it are genuine arsehats who were caught red-handed. That said, there’s a genuine seed of concern in the actions of the “mob justice”. Yes, you should hold the perpetrator accountable for their mistakes and make sure they learn from them.
And here’s the catch. A worrying amount of people isn’t interested in the perpetrator to have a chance at recovery. Rather, they’re interested in revenge. And the accountability can be a tool to do just that. How? By making sure the person held accountable can never reach the goal, no matter how hard they try. They can put all the effort, show genuine and sincere efforts but they’ll never be good enough. Any and all of their actions will be viewed as insufficient. But why; I ask. What does it bring you? How does it make you better? The answer is painful; it doesn’t. In fact, it makes you an abuser. An abuser which may, depending on situation, be just as bad, if not worse. Except in this dynamic you’re trying to out-do someone who was possibly just misled and/or didn’t know better. And now they’re being stomped on. But everyone has their limit and eventually, that limit will be crossed. And when that happens, you won’t be ready for the aftermath. So remember:
Holding someone guilty for their past mistakes when they’ve shown sincere accountability makes you an abuser and can drive the guilty one towards revenge.
What’s the moral of the story? Hold people accountable, make sure they confront themselves with critical mindset and when shown light and willing to improve, help them grow. Because just like it’s their responsibility to account for themselves, it may be your responsibility to guide them. But if you berate them instead, you’ll shut the door to redemption to their face. And if they can’t open it, why bother?
Revenge is not the answer.
Killing you won’t bring my family back. I’m done.
Ezio Auditore da Firenze
R.R.A.