Self-Mentoring XVII ... The only person to compare to is yourself
A topic I’ve already touched in one of my previous episodes of this irregular series (namely XII) when I was talking about growing. This time I’d like to look at the act of comparing ourselves to others from a different perspective. Instead of looking at it as something that stifles our personal growth we’ll take a look at how it threatens our feelings of self-worth. So, let’s try and regain our power.
First, let’s repeat the mantra from the mentioned episode:
Comparison is a thief of joy. Inspiration on the other hand is the well of ideas.
Back then I was trying to show its idea ties to your personal growth and how to switch your mindset so the act of comparison can boost you instead of hamper you. This time I’ll be focusing more on the first part of the mantra and how that affects you. Yes, I’m now realising that I should’ve probably switched these episodes around but oh well, blame my brain being about as organised as my room, so not at all.
To build up a bit of connection, a little personal story. Back in my high school days, specifically towards the end, I got the chance to get more involved in sports to a point where I could pursue a professional carrer. I got the resources, the strict schedule (believe me, combining that and school while still having some time left for fun was insane) and of course a really good coach. During one of the more theoretical lessons I was getting the coach was talking about mindsets and how to prevent falling into a downward spiral. Something really relatable to me because I used to be an embodiment of the “your’re your own worst critic” type of person. And one of the key ideas from that lesson was “Do not compare yourself to others.”
But Rawen, how do I know I’m doing well? My dear reader, you have the best measure at your disposal, yourself. Staying in sports, the thing I do on the side as a hobby is bouldering. And sure, I track my stats but I can see that I’m getting consistently better even without that. How? By slowly but surely getting more confident. By instead of approaching challenges with “No way I’m that good”, my inner self tells me “Could I at least try now?” And yes, sometimes I look like cloth flailing in the wind but the important thing is that I’m getting better. I’m fulfilling a goal MY mind set up.
And HERE is the key. It was my goal. My standard. Why is that so important? Because if I were to compare myself to someone else, I’d be abandoning that measure and replacing it with someone else’s. Suddenly, I’m not trying to achieve my goal, I’m trying to achieve someone else’s goal. I’m trying to match someone else’s image which most likely doesn’t even exist. The thought “I want to be like XYZ” is frankly an extremely dangerous mindset and an absolute kick in the teeth to your confidence. By saying that to yourself, you’re basically saying “I refuse to be me.”
Are you starting to see how dangerous that is? What if I told you it can be even worse? What if your idol knows? What if they decide to use that knowledge for malicious reasons? Manipulation, grooming, or even worse things. Sounds utterly terrifying doesn’t it? And all because you told yourself this. Seemingly innocent sequence of words and yet it effectively broke all the links to who you are, replacing your self-image with someone different, someone alien. All this is even more potent with the present era of social spaces. You see glimpses of everyone’s lives, all the highlights. But what’s behind them? What is the true story? How much effort is being put into creating the “personal brand”? Does it sound revolting and dehumanising?
So, when I say “compare yourself only to your previous self”, what I mean is to stay true to who you are. Sure, others can be inspiring and learning to accept influence properly is beneifical to learning and growing as a person. But all that must still be subject to YOUR judgement and your values. Because if you abandon your own values to reach your dreams, you’re setting yourself up to a hollow victory.
R.R.A.