Rawen's Musings

“On this day, it was only a month until you’ve blessed this world for eight decades. But sadly, life decided otherwise.” It’s been 4 years already since my grandma passed away, exactly a month before her 80th birthday. It was during one of the last restriction-filled periods of 2021 so I wasn’t even able to be around. And true, she would’ve largerly disapproved of who I am right now, for her faith was stronger than her own self, but with the passage of time, I can understand why. And as I’m remembering her today, I’ve decided to write down this little exercise of mind; what would I do if I could talk to my relatives who already passed away for one more time?

Out of all my grandparents, only one is still around; the grandma from mum’s side. Caring, rebelious during her younger years, which was a wholy different story during the era of “Red Overlords” and with a talent for trade, taken after her parents. Health isn’t exactly kind to her either, with her mobility being affected by some nasty ailments but she can still walk around well enough and my mum is around for the moments of need (little family background, my parents aren’t together anymore).

So this leaves me with three visits; both my grandpas and my grandma from the intro. And well, let’s start with the first one; grandpa from mum’s side. How would I describe him in short … hmm … a bandit. But a good-hearted one. He always kind of wanted me to be a little more rowdy since I was a very quiet kid. I never complied though unless you count what I am now but I don’t think I took it after him. There’s however one trait that affects me strongly because of him; he’s the reason I’m the “bad Czech” since I don’t drink. Because it was what ultimately led to his demise. What “motivated” him you ask? Well, he and my uncle did really get along (not really a nice story and probably better from a more private setting) and while on a better track, there were events that led him back to the dark path from which there was no return.

So what would I do? I would’ve asked one question: “Why did you give up?” Because if he hasn’t, he would’ve had a lot of grandchildren and a son to be proud of. But … it is what it is.

Up next, my grandpa from dad’s side; the “benevolent dictator”. A little bit more on the dictator end but at the same time very protective of his family and very resourceful, being a mechanic by trade. However, as I said, he was quite despotic which had some really adverse effects on my dad and it’s frankly a big part of his downfall. Remember, body keeps the score.

What would I do with him? Ask him: “Why? What was the point of berating your son that you fostered nothing else but need to constantly prove himself? Look at him now. This is your doing.” Yes, I know I’m going harsh but it’s weirdly out of love. Because ironically, he’s my “guardian angel”, keeping me safe from all the harms and rolling his eyes over my outlandish life. So why do I want to hold him accountable for his past? So we can all draw a thick line and close this painful chapter once and for all.

And finally, the one because of whom I started writing this, my dear grandma. Woman of faith, in the end to the point where it overshadowed her intergrity a bit. Understandbly due to the loss of grandpa and my dad’s multiple stumbles. She was always a loving person although she’d disapprove of my present status.

Despite all that, I’d give her one more big hug. One warm loving embrace from her grandson who faces this hostile world on his own, sometimes “hiding” behind his wolf self. But this time it’s my wolf. All loving, fuzzy and warm.

So yeah, here I am, reminiscing the ones long passed. I miss you a lot, no matter how the things were handled. But in the times of need, you’re my guides and my supports. Sure, I’m not a man of religion and never will be. But that doesn’t mean I can’t channel their wisdom from time to time.

R.R.A.