Behind closed doors ... Anger changes you. And not in a good way
Lately you have seen me as someone you probably haven’t imagined. Instead of the rational even if sometimes sharp wolf, you’ve seen a beast, ripping of the chains and snarling at everyone and everything around. It was a scary image. So scary that even my inner self cried for help. And I’m here, looking back at those days, asking myself “What happened? How did I lose myself so much?” Well, here’s my insight.
The birthday time isn’t exactly my happiest since I have this weird dislike of being reminded that I managed to survive another year. Yes, survive. It doesn’t feel right to say I thrived these days. This stacks up with the early days of may being combined with certain historical events which in my place don’t feel like worthy of celebration. Especially now, when the memory of these days is being trampled on and everything our ancestors fought for is being abused in most digusting ways. It threw me into rage. Not the kind that bring up action but the one that hurts your soul. And then I saw him; the “Me” from years ago. Cynical, resigned, internally angry while trying to hide it behind a smile and dark humour. Seeing this monster in the mirror was depressing. So depressing that I heard a call in my head: “Rawen, where are you? Please, come back! Save me from this beast!”
What has changed? You know how angry people are usually depicted? Either with sharp traits or disfigured? Imagine the Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. I saw someone like this. All the traits in my face shifting into this face of distilled hatred. Back in the day I wouldn’t pay much attention to this image but this time around, it terrified me. I hoped that this was a closed chapter of my life but it came back. And as I said before, it hurt being this “Me” again. It felt like being stabbed with a knife that you make blazing hot and cover it in salt. Then you push the knife in extremely slowly and twist with every milimetre so you can feel the pain the most. It’s the worst kind of torture and you’re the tormentor.
So, what to do? Learn to stop before it consumes you. And if you can’t do it alone, make sure there’s someone who can see the good in you saves you from the monster that dwells in. This time, I was lucky. And I need to make sure that I honour the sacrifices my saviours made.
R.R.A.