Woof’s feeling a little sentimental again and well, the title says it all. What prompted it? A quote-response from Raigho to an “at the first glance silly” post. The response reads:
Friends that feel more like family. They have your back and they always make you feel at ease the minute you're around them.
I'll always value people like that.
It made me remember how I value people that got me through the hardest times, despite their own hardships. And how big has the rift between me and my bloodline become over the course of time. I know one of them will probably read this and put in the effort to understand it. And maybe the question will come up: “Why didn’t you say something?” Why? Because I never felt safe to do so. Because I haven’t felt I’d be trusted and understood and I sadly still don’t believe I ever will. Otherwise I wouldn’t need to write these lines.
And it’s you who is the abuser. Yes, you. The very person who has been suffering and probably still are. You hold so much anger inside and it wants out. But where? Where to vent it? Outside? At whom? You don’t want to hurt anyone, do you? So it goes in. Either in a form of self-abuse or an edgy joke so it’s easier to brush off, right? Sure, you chuckle but did it feel good? No, no it didn’t. In fact, you betrayed the one person you should never ever betray; yourself. So tell me, why do you do it? Why do you keep hurting yourself? Well, let me share a story with you.
Lately you have seen me as someone you probably haven’t imagined. Instead of the rational even if sometimes sharp wolf, you’ve seen a beast, ripping of the chains and snarling at everyone and everything around. It was a scary image. So scary that even my inner self cried for help. And I’m here, looking back at those days, asking myself “What happened? How did I lose myself so much?” Well, here’s my insight.
While the mood from the con is slowly fading, taking me back to the everyday reality, the events of last week gave me an idea to talk about. A little personal one, hence the title. Because I kind of went out of my way with my con experience, especially when I look at my past self. And a thought occured to my mind: “What if I visited my younger self, showing them who I am now and who will they become? How surprised would my younger me be?” Curious? Well, let’s dive in.