Behind closed doors ... Blood family gave me life but Found family made me human
Woof’s feeling a little sentimental again and well, the title says it all. What prompted it? A quote-response from Raigho to an “at the first glance silly” post. The response reads:
Friends that feel more like family. They have your back and they always make you feel at ease the minute you're around them.
I'll always value people like that.
It made me remember how I value people that got me through the hardest times, despite their own hardships. And how big has the rift between me and my bloodline become over the course of time. I know one of them will probably read this and put in the effort to understand it. And maybe the question will come up: “Why didn’t you say something?” Why? Because I never felt safe to do so. Because I haven’t felt I’d be trusted and understood and I sadly still don’t believe I ever will. Otherwise I wouldn’t need to write these lines.
Those who follow me for longer and/or have known me closer already know that the relationship with my family isn’t exactly all sunshine and rainbows. Like, the parents aren’t together anymore and haven’t been for at least a decade at the time of writing. Trips “home” haven’t felt like coming back for a long time to a point where I actively avoid them to save myself the anxiety and anguish of having to spend time with my father in the same place. Visiting my mum, while understanding, feels empty, void of the safety one would and should get. I think everyone in a similar place would seek a kindred soul. Someone who can create that place of home. After all, the saying “home is where your heart is” exists for a reason. I sometimes even called myself “homeless” for the reasons mentioned. Not because don’t have a roof over my head but because I don’t feel “home” anywhere. A little doodle from Furo captures the mood well. And with my blood family being the way they are, the word “orphan” comes up as well.
Back to the post that originated this train of thought and the title of my ramblings. How did all of this come up? Because there in fact is someone who has become my found family in that exact sense. I won’t say their name to protect their privacy (those who were with me for some time however probably know who I mean). The person I’m talking about very much fulfils the “made me human” part. How? Just like my SO made me realise I’m not made of stone as much as I spent my earlier years ramming this lie into my head, my found sibling opened my eyes to who I am. They taught me how to embrace who I am and stop hiding. They were there since the very first moment of my journey, seeing the rash, weird, anxious guy to grow into the still weird but in a different way, way more confident person I am now. They did in roughly five years more than my actual family tried in roughly two decades. They did by actually listening. They made me love my loopy self without shame and judgement. They celebrated my small achievements without pushing me further, trying to live off of it (I’m looking at you, dad).
You might be wondering now where are they. Well, life has been unkind to them. Like, seriously unkind. They’ve been going through things that nobody wants to experience in nightmares. They’re fighting demons that makes them disappear for days, weeks even. They’re staring into the abyss far too often. And it’s my job to be their found family so they can fulfil Raigho’s words. After what they’ve done for me, it’s only fair to be the same. After all, a wolf needs his pack and that pack should stick together.
But what about the extended family? You mean the blood one? The one I barely even know? The one that would probably erase me from existence if they knew who I truly am (props to my mum doing good job shielding me from them)? That one I already replaced ages ago. Yes, my found extended family is one weird bunch that sheds a lot but it’s my family. And who knows, maybe there are more who will become the close kind.
So yes, I value my found family greatly. Why? Because as mentioned before “home is where your heart is”. To which I say: “Family are people who embrace who you are and help you nurture that ‘you’. They’re the people with whom you can be yourself without restraint and yet will help you calm the ‘beast within’ when it becomes too strong to handle. They’re there to catch you when you fall. They’re there to lead you back when the ‘call of the abyss’ becomes too seductive. Who are they? You’ll find them without looking too hard for they will reveal themselves when the time is right.”
R.R.A.