Behind closed doors ... Hold on to your dreams, young one. They will come true
While the mood from the con is slowly fading, taking me back to the everyday reality, the events of last week gave me an idea to talk about. A little personal one, hence the title. Because I kind of went out of my way with my con experience, especially when I look at my past self. And a thought occured to my mind: “What if I visited my younger self, showing them who I am now and who will they become? How surprised would my younger me be?” Curious? Well, let’s dive in.
Why the idea in the first place? Well, I used to be a really anxious and self-conscious kid. Both carried over well into my adulthood even if you wouldn’t say so at the first glance. To this I can only answer: “I’m a social mess and a nervous wreck. I’m just resonably skilled at masking it.” Growing up and being a target of jokes, always being judged … basically being a “professional outcast” did “wonders” to my confidence. So looking at myself then and now is a bit of surprising development. They I’m growing out of the silent and “don’t find me” person to someone who doesn’t mind being “in a spotlight” a bit, even if it means making a fool of myself a little :P
But who would I visit? As in at what age of myself. And how? Well, first would be me around the age of fourteen or fifteen. Already the odd kid, one could say “too mature” yet at the same time socially lacking (see some of my previous chapters in this category where I shed some light on this). This combination kept me sidelined. Did I mind? Eh, hard to say. Sure, I was upset at how I was handled but since my introverted nature helped me to get over it. It was also around that time when I stumbled upon the fandom and it kept me a bit curious. Mind you that furs weren’t really a thing in my country back then so I’d be a complete outcast if I dared to dabble with it. But being something else, the thought was already rooted in my mind.
And this is where my present self would come in. Specifically my woof self. How would it play out? Initial shock and a bit of explaining aside, I’d tell myself to hold on to that idea. That the interest in furs will eventually grow into this marvellous experience. That the “wolf spirit” that’s been slumbering inside will eventually awaken. And that I won’t be a total outcast anymore. Building upon that will take some time and effort but things will eventually get better. And with these reassuring words, I’d leave my young self; motivated and calmed.
The second moment would be around the end of my high school years. At this time, my fuzzy aesthetic slowly started taking shape but not really in any way associated with the fandom. I was still a bit on the side since I didn’t really click in with my classmates (of course it was “my fault” that I didn’t bend over). Not that I was antagonised but I wasn’t really considered. I was also pretty much doing my own thing in life so any attempt at trying to ridicule or insult me wasn’t really landing anyway. From an outcast I turned more into a renegade. Closed, pursuit my own path and with some rather sharp edges. These edges were further reinforced by my dad who has been this “unpleasantly” light-hearted person. You know, the typical “dad-mode”. He always excused it as a coping mechanic (not that it helped him in long term) but for me it was infuriating. So I made sure to not be like him despite him insisting that I’ll eventually go “crazy”.
In this case, I’d show up completely different. Yes, I’d reveal myself as Roky. Why Roky? Because that’s who I needed back then. Someone to give me a genuine reason to smile and hide those sharp teeth. Someone who’d teach me to be silly without being weird or hiding my pain. Yes, my younger me would probably be repulsed by the idea that I’ll be such a bright fool. I’d dare to even ask: “So my dad is right after all?” Yes and no, my dear young self. He was right in the sense that you’ll find something to make you smile. But he was wrong that you’ll be like him. Not at all, my dear. You’ll find your own way to make yourself genuinely smile and how to share that happiness with those who want and need it. And believe it or not, my bright me will be your mentor (and Roky very much is just that).
Alright, one more visit to my past. This time it be shortly before I actually stepped into the realm of the fandom. I was already dipping my toes and standing right at the gate but wasn’t really willing to commit. It didn’t help that I sometimes stumbled upon pictures of folks from cons or suiters which set off some feelings of FOMO (trust me, nobody is immune) which when combined with social anxiety made me an even bigger mess. Yes, I admit, I made some bad steps along the way but that’s part of life; live and learn and grow.
To this “me” I’d yet again reveal myself as my woof, give myself a good look into the eyes and say: “Patience, Rawen. Don’t rush things, don’t freak out that you’re feeling a little bit on the side. Don’t pursue people just because you think you should know them. That’s not the way to do it. Take it at your own pace and show yourself when you’re ready. Don’t let fears corrupt you, build your own world instead. Because when you’re truly yourself, not only you’ll like what you’re becoming, but there will be folks who will like who you are too. And these are the people you want around. These are the people who will appreciate you as a person you are and not just the character you represent. And as you can see, you life-long dream will eventually become true.”
R.R.A.