Behind closed doors ... Self-deprecation is an abuse of soul
And it’s you who is the abuser. Yes, you. The very person who has been suffering and probably still are. You hold so much anger inside and it wants out. But where? Where to vent it? Outside? At whom? You don’t want to hurt anyone, do you? So it goes in. Either in a form of self-abuse or an edgy joke so it’s easier to brush off, right? Sure, you chuckle but did it feel good? No, no it didn’t. In fact, you betrayed the one person you should never ever betray; yourself. So tell me, why do you do it? Why do you keep hurting yourself? Well, let me share a story with you.
You already know that I’m “made from a different dough”, especially if you come from the West. We Easterners have a little bit of different bar when it comes to humour. Sometimes it gets to a level where it’s highly incorrect and downright abusive and/or self-deprecating. I could rant about this being “policed” by Westerners (sorry folks, but your letting your old colonialist manners seep through the “protection” mask) but that’s not the point. The story I want to share is in fact my journey from the sharp and dark Easterner to an Easterner who still retains his edge but now knows much better how to wield it instead of just wildly swinging it around, injuring everyone around, himself included.
You already know I was the “professional outcast” (also fits the theme), later elevated to the “professional renegade” which fits much better and doesn’t carry the self-deprecating tone. But yeah, I used to have a rather self-deprecating view of things. Usually masking these as jokes and jabs. Back in the day I didn’t care, keeping my unfazed face, unaware of what was slowly brewing inside. Of course I didn’t do it publicly and mostly kept it among the people in my circle who knew my nature. So I went through my life and eventually into the crowd of furs, carrying my attitude with me. Initially it worked out quite well and got me around some folks I somewhat worked with. The paths with most have already diverged but I haven’t lost you from sight, Ikarus (I wonder if you somehow figured out I’m writing :P ). Weirdly enough, even my SO managed my slightly sharp edges but at the same time, they found the way to dull them. But about that in the moment.
Time goes on and as mentioned, people come and go. My exposure to rougher spaces has lowered so I started softening my defences. And then it came. The realisation. Why was I always so mad? Moreover, why did my SO took this after me? Sure, not at the same level but still, they were doing it too. And … and it hurt. It hurt me seeing them dragging themselves down. I just couldn’t stand by and watch them crack these comments, I had to intervene. How? Aside from being supportive directly and helping the shun the lies away, I stopped doing it to myself too. Because if I’m to somehow improve and work with the negatives I have, I can’t just sweep them under the carpet. I need to accept them. I need to take into account that I’m not some prefabricated perfect being. Far from it. I’m just a human. Sure, wrapped in pieces of fuzzy carpet sometimes but still a living being. Sentient, self-aware and intelligent enough to understand that I’m not doomed forever but that I can learn. I can improve. I can grow. Not physically, at least not when it comes to height, but mentally. Once I realised that, all those past moments of darkness felt horrid. And whenever I slip into that old self, it’s like being stabbed with a knife and instead of pulling it out immediately, you pour salt into the wound and set the blade on fire so it hurts even more.
But they’re now a thing of the past. Yes, I do slip. And I did so quite recently, given what I’m heading into and there’s nothing I can do about it. But I refuse to abuse my soul anymore. I refuse to be my own torturer and eventual executioner. So when I tell you to “STOP!”, I mean it. I shout that “STOP!” like a big brother, who’s always rather quiet, when he’s saving his younger sibling from a horrible accident. And immediately after the danger is gone, you’re getting the most loving tearful hug of reassurance. Because that’s what your soul needs. It’s what you need. Not abuse, but protection. No whip, but a shield-brother to catch the coming blow and strike back at the foe that’s coming for you. And that person can as well be yourself.
To borrow few lines from a song I like a lot:
“You’re in the eye of the storm … But that’s where heroes are born.”
So
“Lay it all on the line, holding your head up high. Resist with all your might, defy the odds and fight!”
R.R.A.
PS: Thank you, Milo, for your inspiration :3