Wow, what a year. So many turbulences, so many joys, so many disappointments. Yet the world is still turning and we keep going. Now, I’m not here to evaluate the year in general. What am I, God? If I was one I’d know everything anyway. But I don’t which means that there’s still lot to discover. And that is the word that describes my 2024; discovery. This year felt to me like I’ve unearthed an entrance to an ancient library and a workshop and I’m slowly absorbing the knowledge while in the meantime practicing my skills with the various tools, making things that soothe the mind and spark the urge to do more. Moreover, the library has a writing with a quill and a piece of parchment which are always ready for the words that I decide to “immortalise”. And how did I find out? Well, my dear reader, let’s take a small journey together.
No, no, no! Bad, Rawi, bad. No stepping into politics. Well, if you happen to read my self-mentoring series, then you know it’s too late for that. But don’t worry, I’m not about to dive deep into any swamp of permanent misery and relentless shit-flinging that is present day’s politics. It’s just that my mind got prompted by a writer friend of mine here. His words there made me think about how I moved on the political spectrum and how I eventually grown to a point where not only I despise it but also refuse to be driven by it, focusing more on ideas and the integrity of the potential representatives. It also somewhat explains why I throw any extremes into the same bucket regardless of their core idea but more on that later. Now, let’s dive in. *puts the armour on* Oh, don’t worry. It’s just a precaution :3
We all like success and we all want to avoid ridicule. We’re being raised in this climate, putting the pressure on ourselves to strive for more. I’ve already wrote about the “pursuit of growth for the sake of growth” so I’d only repeat myself here. However, the title says something else which is related to our “growth” or a perception of safety, be it personal or communal. It is a personal property that is largely visible or loud. It is easily spotted by an average person but for reasons completely incomprehensible to me it is revered rather than shunned; arrogance. And today we’re going to take a peek into what it is.
This one’s going to be one weird food for your brain. Shame that the audience that really needs it would dismiss it immeidately but I think it’s worth throwing it into the world nevertheless. So, let’s dive in.
Those who know me for a bit are aware that my online social presence is rather scarce. I’m in no large group chat servers and in terms of networks, BlueSky and Mastodon are my only public “poster walls”. And while I do have my gripes with their respective cultures, there’s one thing that they have in common; no engagement-driven algorithm. That’s right, everything posted there is indeed akin to a poster put up in a part of town with large amount of traffic and rest goes on by the “word of mouth”. You know, just like the way public town square works (wink wink). But online space has more tools to gain visibility; powerful and dangerous tools.
Yeah, you’re reading it right. Today I’m in a bit of a down mood and just feeling like letting a life-long grief, at least when I look at my adult life, out of my chest. I know some of you will try and provide some consolation, other may even shun me for my views on this but none of it will change my mind. So yeah, I can’t even begin to think about continuing my kin when I look around myself, seeing the world around me, filled with greed, a desire to torture and destroy instead of to build and care for. Want to know more? Well, stay around and listen to this weary “nomad”, stuck in the world to which he doesn’t belong to.
Let’s start something new today. Among my weirder and artistic hobbies, gaming is the more “tame” one and one that has been with me for basically all my life. Can’t really remember my very first game but I know I’ve been a tiny kiddo on my dad’s lap, watching him play the classics of the 90s. And once old enough that I could operate the “magic machine” myself, I got into playing myself. This resulted in the 90s era FPS and others landing in my “nostalgia” shelves and I happily return to them when I feel like reliving the blissful years and sometimes to challenge myself whether I get better with age or retain my skills.
Among these is a little bit of a niche game, Descent; or Descent: First Strike if you want the full name. Why niche? The game falls into a 6DOF genre, 6DOF standing for “6 degrees of freedom”. This means that unlike in FPS games, you can move in all six directions; up-down, left-right, forward-backward. Of course, since you’re piloting a ship, you can turn, pitch and roll as well. So, what’s the premise of the game? Long story short, mining corp has mines across the solar system and their robots go haywire. You’re hired as a “Material Defender” to get in, save any hostages and destroy the mines by destroying the reactor. The game is special not only to me due to it being part of my childhood but also because it’s rather rare in terms of how the gameplay is executed. The game, or the series of three games to be precise, is one of the cult classics of its time. It was replicated only almost two decades later through the game Overload made by, wait for it, dev team consisting of the developers of the original games.
Yup, I said it. I finally said the thing that’s been sitting in my brain for years and it’s one of the things that seriously makes me look at my generation with a significant level of disdain. And no, I’m not saying that to feel better about myself. I too have been there and you can observe the results of that stay. So, why am I harping about this now? Well, if your hair isn’t on fire anymore, let’s dive in. Small disclaimer, I may not be mincing words from time to time and I may also dive into some really sensitive things so, read at your own discretion.
What is better – to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?
Paarthurnax, from The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
I don’t think I need to introduce this quote much. It’s been around for quite a while and it made its way into the online spaces. The reason I’m borrowing it here is of course the idea behind the quote. That idea is that one should consider not only the past of someone they’re dealing with but also the present actions and also how they themselves look at their past. Are they proud of their past actions? Do they look at their past decisions with a critical eye? Are they trying to atone for their past mistakes? All these questions are extremely important factors when considering a renewal of the “peace treaty of tolerance” between people and providing forgiveness in the sense of my previous episode. However, mostly in those same online space, we witness quite a lot of people viewing accountability either as a weakness or worse, a tool of abuse. How, well, let’s take a look.
Today I’m going to look back at a moment which marked a moment my path in the fandom I so loosely relate to took a turn. On one hand, the decision left me wandering in the field. At the same time it set up a safety barrier and allowed me to pursue my own goals. Were there losses? Definitely. But staying around would honestly prove horribly limiting. So yeah, today marks the one year of my decision and looking back, it was the correct one. Wondering why? Well, you know I won’t leave you in the dark.
Yup, you’re reading this right. In past weeks and months since I started writing and actually interating more with social spaces, I stumbled upon quite a few ND folks. Seeing their experiences in the open gave me a lot of insight into how they see the world, what they struggle with and how they cope. This started playing into my introspective mind (I tend to think about, question and critique my actions and thoughts a lot, sometimes to my detriment) because I began comparing and correlating my experiences and how I view and experience the world around me. And the observations are … exciting and terrifying at the same time.
Why these in particular? It’s exciting because there’s so much I relate to which makes me feel seen, heard and understood. Terrifying because the amount of experiences I can relate to is staggering and looking back at how I grew up, it fills me with … almost a crippling dread seeing how much may have been withheld from me, be it out of ignorace, lack of knowledge or negligence. The emotions and knowledge I gained recently, combined with the experiences of others are starting to raise THE question in my mind more and more loudly: “Am I neurodivergent? Was I just overlooked and never diagnosed properly because nobody knew and I never had the urge to pursuit it further?”